The Vampire, the Hylden and the Terrifying Beastie
by Metal Gear Prime
Summary: Chapter 8! Kain searches for the Bishop of Meridian, unaware that not only is doom afoot, it's also ahand...
1. No good can come of this

The Vampire, the Hylden and the Terrifying Beastie what comes at Midnight

By Metal Gear Prime

Chapter 1: No good can come of this…

200 years ago, Kain defeated the Necromancer Mortanius and the demon Hash-Ak-Gik at the Pillars of Nosgoth to restore all but one of the corrupted Pillars. As he stands celebrating his victory the former Balance Guardian, the specter Ariel, materializes right behind him.

**Ariel: **Yo.

**Kain** (leaping twelve feet in the air)**: **EEEEEEEEEK! 

Upon landing, Kain gathered together what remained of his dignity and faced Ariel.

**Ariel: **Well done, Kain. You've managed to restore almost all of the Pillars. Only one other Guardian remains to be destroyed. Once he is destroyed, balance shall be restored to Nosgoth.

**Kain: **Is that so? Direct me to him and I shall rip his foul heart from his chest!

**Ariel: **Excellent. The one you seek is right here. (wink)

**Kain **(drawing the Soul Reaver)**: **The fiend is stationed here at the Pillars, eh? Lemme at 'em!

Kain swings the Reaver heroically, nearly slicing into Ariel.

**Ariel: **No, no. You don't understand. The Balance Guardian is RIGHT HERE! (wink wink)

**Kain: **Alright, alright I heard you. (continues to look for the Guardian)

**Ariel: **Good grief! The man you are seeking is standing IN THE SAME PLACE AS YOU!

**Kain **(in a blind panic)**: **WHAT?!? VAE VICTUS!

Kain starts to wildly slash at the air with the Soul Reaver as Ariel bangs her head against her pillar in frustration.

**Ariel: **That does it! To hell with subtlety! Kain!

**Kain **(stops slashing with the Reaver)**: **Yes?

**Ariel: **I'll be brief. You, Kain, are the Balance Guardian, chosen from birth to be my replacement after I had been murdered. Unfortunately, you were tainted from the beginning thanks to Nupraptor's hissy fit and so must die in order for the Pillars to be completely healed. Now be a good boy and stab yourself to death with the Soul Reaver.

**Kain: **Yes ma'am.

Kain holds the Reaver by the hilt and is about to plunge it into his chest when a thought strikes him.

**Kain: **Waaaaiiit a second…now that I give it some thought, this doesn't seem like all that good a plan.

**Ariel: **Less talk more stabby.

**Kain: **Isn't there any other option?

**Ariel: **Well, you COULD decide to live on and doom Nosgoth to an eternity of decay and ruin while at the same time establishing a mighty empire with yourself as it's powerful and god-like emperor, but why would you want to do something as silly as that? Now let's…Kain?

Ariel looks around for the suddenly absent Kain before spotting him prancing away from the Pillars, humming a ditty fit for a conqueror. Or in this case a loony vampire who wants to be a conqueror.

**Kain **(to himself)**: **Emperor Kain the Studly…it has a nice ring to it…

Ariel watches dumbfounded as Kain prances out of sight until a loud groaning sound emanates from behind her. Turing around she watches as the Pillars crumble to the ground in an undignified heap.

**Ariel: **Crud.

To be continued…   


	2. On the road to ruin

Chapter 2: On the road to ruin

Three years after the fall of the Pillars…

Within the headquarters of Emperor Kain the Studly, Lord of Nosgoth and Chief Pastry Chef, sits the vampire himself, indulging in his favorite pastime: brooding.

**Kain: **Brood brood brood brood brood…

Suddenly Dumah runs into the throne room in a panic.

**Dumah: **Dad! Dad! Melchiah's fallen down the well, Zephon's been kidnapped by a pack of carnivorous mutant celery and Rahab and Turel have run off to join the circus as the World's Ugliest Vampires!

Silence.

**Kain: **Do I know you?

Dumah stares at Kain before letting loose an ear splitting shriek.

**Dumah: **AND NOW I'VE TRAVELLED BACK IN TIME!

Dumah runs out screaming. Barely five minutes pass when a vortex opens up a few feet to Kain's right, out of which pops Raziel armed with the Wraith Reaver.

**Raziel: **Kain! At long last I can…(looks at the perplexed Kain)…hang about, you're his past self aren't you?

**Kain: **Um…

**Raziel: **Dammit! I am so gonna fry Moebius' ass for this one…

Still mumbling to himself Raziel leaps into the vortex which closes a split second before Marcus enters the room.

**Marcus **(courteous)**: **My Lord Kain. (does hand jive movement) WAZZZZZZZZUP!

**Kain: **This had better be good Marcus. A pair of lunatics have already ruined what had been a magnificent display of brooding. In fact, I haven't had a brood that good for at least half a century…

**Marcus: **Uh-huh. Look, do you want to plan the conquering of the other major kingdoms of Nosgoth or what?

**Kain: **Conquering? Why would I do that?

**Marcus: **Huh? Don't you want to expand your empire?

**Kain: **Empires are expanded through conquering?!? (takes down a map of Nosgoth where his 'empire' is indicated by a very tiny dot) That explains so much…

Now filled with purpose and a rich nougat center, Kain strode to the planning room with Marcus. Entering the room, Kain nods to his other lieutenants (Magnus, Sebastian and Faustus) before walking to the map of Nosgoth on the table in the center of the room. Vorador pops up beside him from nowhere.

**Vorador: **Well Kain, what's the plan?

Taken by surprise Kain leaps into the air, screaming like a little girl on helium. Ten minutes later (once he's calmed down) Kain fixes the ancient vampire with a suspicious gaze.

**Kain: **Vorador?

**Vorador: **Yes?

**Kain: **Not to be rude, but aren't you meant to be…well, somewhat deadish?

**Vorador **(eyes darting from side to side nervously)**: **Me? No no no, you must be confusing me with some other ancient green skinned pointy eared vampire.

**Kain: **Uh, no I'm pretty sure it was…

**Vorador **(tossing a white dust into everybody's face)**: **AMNESIA DUST! HA HA!

**Magnus: **AGGGGH! THE PAIN! THE…wait a minute, this isn't amnesia dust. This is just talcum powder.

**Vorador: **What? NOOOOOOOO! I've been cheated!

Cut to Crazy Betty's Honest to God Amnesia Dust Emporium, where the lady herself is laughing like a loon. Back with the vamps…

**Kain: **Moving swiftly along, I have decided that the first ones to feel our almighty wrath will be…THESE ONES!

Kain stabs a finger at a location on the map. Everyone looks to where he's pointing.

**Sebastian: **You want us to conquer ourselves?

**Kain: **Eh? (sees that he's pointing at his own fortress) Ah. I meant to do that. Wanted to see if you were all on your toes.

**Everyone **(unconvinced)**: **Uh-huh.

**Kain: **Our REAL first target will be…THIS!

Again Kain points at a random location.

**Faustus **(angry)**: **What do you have against Starbucks?!?

**Kain: **Okay then, HERE! (points)

**Marcus: **The Cute Kitty Store?

**Kain: **For the love of…HERE! (points)

**Vorador: **You're pointing at your fortress again.

**Kain: **Oh, to hell with it! What say we just head south and kill whatever is in our way?

**Marcus: **Sounds good.

**Vorador: **I'm up for it.

**Sebastian: **Best idea I've heard all day. And that's a very sad fact.

**Faustus: **Cool!

**Magnus: **As you command, my Queen! (salutes)

  

**Kain: **How many times have I  told you to stop calling me that, yesssss.

After a quick glare at the author for that Beast Wars reference, the vampires readied themselves for the assault on…well, something.

**Kain: **By the time this is over, all of Nosgoth will know me. For my name is…GOGANDANTESS! The greatest swordsman of all demons!

Kain does some fancy acrobatics with the Soul Reaver before landing in a warlike pose, much to his subordinates' bemusement.

**Kain: **Ahem. Sorry, wrong game.

**Vorador **(to himself)**: **I came back from the dead for this?

To be continued…


	3. Magnus Gear Solid

The Chronoplast Chamber, Nosgoth…

**Raziel: **You're in for it now, Moebius.

We see Raziel with his hand wrapped around the Time Streamer's throat.

**Moebius: **P-please Raziel…

**Raziel: **First you send me to the wrong Kain, then to Angel-chan! I want to get this whole revenge thing done and dusted before Tipping the Velvet is on, and your diversions are not helping me towards that goal!

Raziel releases Moebius, who stands there for a second rubbing his throat. After catching his breath, the Time Streamer walks over to the Chronoplast's control and pulls a few switches.

**Moebius: **There. That should deliver you to the Kain you seek.

Raziel nods as he walks to the controls in the center of the room. As he places his hands on the handles he glares at Moebius.

**Raziel: **This had better not be another trick Time Streamer…for your sake.

Raziel uses the controls and disappears in a flash of light. Moebius' face twists into a grin. Back with Raziel, who has somehow materialized in a 1970s disco, complete with afros, flares, peace signs and awful music. Raziel's eyes go wide as he takes it all in, before he raises his hands to the ceiling.

**Raziel: **MOOOOOEEEEEEEEBIIIIIIIIUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!                                                                                                                                          

And now, onto the main story!

Chapter 3: Magnus Gear Solid

And so it was that Kain and his army went south, trashing all that stood before them. The battles they took part in can be summarized thusly: See soldier run. Run soldier run. See Faustus run. Run Faustus run. See Faustus kill soldier and drink his blood. Drink Faustus drink. Repeat as necessary. Eventually they reached the borders of a small burg by the name of Meridian. As they approached the borders of the city Magnus felt a dark sense of foreboding about the upcoming battle.

**Magnus: **My lord, I feel a dark sense of foreboding about the upcoming battle. 

**Kain: **You know, I am so sick and tired of you and your pessimism. "My lord, attacking a 10,000 strong army armed only with a butter knife and the collected works of Jane Austin is a bad idea". "My lord, it's not possible to melt a human by staring at him hard enough". Stop contaminating my aura with your negative vibes, man!

**Magnus: **Sorry, my lord.

**Kain: **Humph. Go tell the others to set up camp here. We shall attack Meridian in twelve hours.

**Magnus: **Yes, my lord.

As Magnus walks off, Kain notices Marcus, Sebastian and Faustus trying to sneak away from the camp.

**Kain: **Hey! Where do you think you three are going?

**Sebastian **(caught off guard)**:** Me? Why, I am heading to my tent…to sleep.

**Marcus **(ditto)**: **Yes. I am also going to my tent…for sleep.

**Faustus **(ditto plus one)**: **As am I.

**Kain: **Oh. Okay then!

Kain walks off whistling the theme to Spongebob Squarepants. The three vamps gaze after him for a moment before making their way to the outskirts of Meridian, where the armies of the Sarafan Lord are camped.

A few hours later, at the Meridian camp, Magnus can be seen hiding behind a tent. Checking around the corner to see if there were any guards, and seeing none, the vampire ran to the next tent, where he found a large box of arrows and, a small distance away, a Sarafan soldier coming towards him. Acting quickly, Magnus tossed the arrows into the bushes (killing many woodland animals while he was at it) and hid in the box. Seeing movement, a large question mark appeared over the soldier's head as he walked over to and stared at the box. Many tense moments pass until…

**Soldier: **Just a box.

The soldier walked away. Using the box as cover, Magnus resumed his quest to find the tent of the Sarafan Lord, pausing only to hide from/throttle whatever soldiers he came across. After a few minutes like this, Magnus comes across the Sarafan Lord's tent. It's guarded by a giant of a guard, with a body of pure muscle with a head to match. Discarding the box, Magnus flattened himself against a wall and rapped his fist against it.

**Guard: **Huh? What was that noise? 

The guard leaves his post to check out the noise. Magnus goes round the other way and enters the tent. He finds the Sarafan Lord, with his back to the tent's entrance, wearing a French maid's outfit and facing a Meridian solider dressed as Long John Silver. Magnus doesn't see this immediately.

**Magnus: **DIE FOUL…

Magnus sees what's going on.

**Magnus: **…beast?

The Sarafan Lord turns to face the stunned Magnus, an irritated look on his face.

**Sarafan Lord: **Do you mind? We're trying to rehearse for the summer showing of "Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring".

**Meridian Solider** (reading from a script)**: **Arr, Frodo! Where be that magical Ring ye be hidin'? Arr!

**Magnus: **"Fellowship of the Ring"? With a pirate? And a French maid?!? Tolkien must be causing a tornado in his grave!

**Sarafan Lord: **Foolish vampire. It was nigh time that his work was updated and given a bit of zing. A pity you will not get to see Aragorn, the warrior astronaut who is really a Martian politician from Jupiter.

Magnus opens his mouth to question the Sarafan Lord's script when he is knocked out from behind. Wee see that it was Sebastian who performed the deed as he, Marcus and Faustus enter the tent.

**Sarafan Lord: **Send this fool to the place where sane men are driven to insanity, where the purest soul can be darkened and the noblest hero turned into a slobbering savage.

**Faustus: **Sorry my lord, but the room playing the endless loop of the Cheeky Girls song is being redecorated.

**Sarafan Lord: **Is it? Damn. Alright then, send him to that prisony place, the one that has something to do with eternity.

**Marcus: **The Eternal Prison?

**Sarafan Lord: **That's the fella. Now go!

**Sebastian: **Very well, my lord. But remember our agreement.

**Sarafan Lord: **Yes, yes. Eminent positions in my army and roles in the "Fellowship of the Ring" for information on Kain's army.

**Vampires: **Yay!

The trio drag Magnus out of the tent. Fast forward to a few hours later as Kain and his army await the appearance of Meridian's army. As they wait, Kain addresses someone to his left.

**Kain: **This should be an easy victory, don't you think?

We see that Kain is speaking to a dummy made by Magnus to take his place. To the dummy's left we see similar dummies of Sebastian, Marcus and Faustus. After a few seconds of silence from the dummy Kain turns back to the battlefield, smiling.

**Kain: **Too busy thinking about the battle to reply, eh? That's my boy!

A few rows behind Kain, a worried looking female vampire whispers to a second, equally worried, equally female vampire.

**1st Vampire: **D'ya think we should tell him?

**2nd Vampire: **Are you kidding? Remember what happened to the last vampire who gave Lord Kain bad news?

Flashback to earlier in the day as Jimmy the vampire walks up to Kain.

**Jimmy: **Lord Kain? Vorador said that he left his oven on at home and can't make it for the battle. He hopes that you won't be angry.

**Kain: **RARRGH!

Kain slices Jimmy in two with the Soul Reaver. Back to the present…

**1st Vampire: **Yeah, but that was before Kain had his ham sandwich. You know what a bear he can be until he's had his ham sandwich.

**2nd Vampire: **True. Okay, you can go and tell him. Just…break it gently.

**1st Vampire: **Are you saying that I don't normally do so in the event of bad news?

**2nd Vampire: **Remember before we became vampires, around the time that our colleague Cary Okie was killed in the blueberry pie/drunk giraffe tragedy and the boss sent us to break the news to his wife? First thing you say when she opens the door is "Are you the Widow Okie?"

**1st Vampire: **But it seemed like a good way to break the ice…

The 2nd Vampire opens her mouth to reply when the Meridian army appears on the other side of the battlefield. She and the 1st Vampire gaze at it.

**1st Vampire: **Too late. Ah well, I guess Kain'll know soon enough.

**2nd Vampire: **Indeed. By the way, is the Sarafan Lord wearing a French maid's outfit?

**1st Vampire: **Yep.

**2nd Vampire: **Splendid. Thought I was going mad there for a second.

**1st Vampire: **Unless we're both mad.

**2nd Vampire: **Ah. I hadn't thought of that.

**Kain: **CHARGE!!!

And with that, the whole vampire army leapt into battle.

To be continued… 

  


	4. Slummin' it, Part One: Wakey wakey!

Chapter 4: Slummin' it, Part One: Wakey wakey!

200 years later (give or take a leap year)…

We see Kain in a bed, his body twisting and turning as if in the throes of an almighty nightmare. By an amazing coincidence, that's exactly the case.

**Kain: **Raziel…be reasonable, we can…what are you doing with stuffed koala? No, Raziel, please…NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Kain wakes.

**Kain **(VO)**: **From the shards of tattered dreams concerning a blue freak missing his vital organs I rose, disorientated. It was then that I saw her, for the first time.

**Kain: **Mmmm…Lexa Doig.

**???: **A-HEM!

Kain looks away from the poster on the ceiling to the speaker, a beautiful vampire by the name of Umah.

**Umah: **So, you are finally awake. (quietly) Lazy git…

**Kain: **What was that?

**Umah: **Nothing. Now then, do you remember who and what you are?

**Kain: **Of course. I am…SAILOR MOON! CHAMPION OF LOVE AND JUSTICE!

Umah stares at Kain, slowly backing away all the while.

**Kain: **Sorry, I don't why I keep doing that. I am, in fact, KAIN! NOSGOTH'S MIGHTIEST VAMPIRE!

**Umah **(quietly)**: **And it's most egotistical, by the look of things…

**Kain: **Huh?

**Umah: **Just clearing my throat. Do you remember the Battle of Meridian?

**Kain: **Yes.

**Umah **(surprised)**: **Really?

**Kain: **Yes, really! Do you take me for some weak-minded fledgling? I remember the battle as if it were yesterday…

Flashback – 200 years ago.

**Kain: **CHARGE!

We see Kain leap 400 feet in the air before landing in front of the Sarafan Lord, who seems to be trembling in fear. As Kain draws the Soul Reaver, the Hylden-in-disguise drops to his knees.

**Sarafan Lord: **Mercy! I beg of you, Lord Kain the Grotesquely Handsome, grant me mercy!

**Kain: **Ha! Behold as I bravely deny you mercy and strike you down like a diseased lesser-spotted gerbil!

**Sarafan Lord: **Huh?

A Meridian soldier sneaks up on Kain and lifts his sword.

**Kain **(to soldier)**: **I wouldn't do that if I were you. That would make me angry, and you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

The soldier thinks about this for a moment, then brings the sword down on Kain's head. The blade snaps in two without doing anything to the master vampire's bonce.

**Kain: **Now you've done it.

Instantly, Kain's skin turns bright green, he grows to four times his original mass and his torso armor is ripped to pieces (curiously, his trousers remain perfectly intact). He looks down at both the Sarafan Lord and the soldier.

**Kain: **RAAAAARRGH! KAIN SMASH PUNY SARAFAN LORD!

Kain brings both of his massive fists down on the Sarafan Lord and the soldier, reducing them both to quivering mounds of jelly. He reverts back to his normal (?) form and walks to his troops, who have managed to eradicate the remnants of the Meridian army. As his army celebrates their victory, Kain raises the Soul Reaver in triumph.

**Kain: **A winner is me!

End Flashback.

**Kain: **Ah yes, what a glorious battle that…(sees the look on Umah's face) That…is what happened, right?

**Umah: **Uh…not exactly…

The REAL Flashback – 200 years ago…

**Kain: **CHARGE!

He and his army leap into the air. Cut to the Sarafan Lord and a Meridian Soldier, the latter of which is standing next to a switch.

**Meridian Soldier: **Now, my lord?

**Sarafan Lord: **Not yet…

The vamps descend toward a normal looking field as Kain descends towards the Sarafan Lord.

**Sarafan Lord: **Now.

The Meridian Solider pulls the switch, causing the 'field' to disappear and reveal a giant tank of water.

**Vamps: **CRAP!

As one, Kain's vampire army lands in the tank, where they all dissolve. Landing in front of the Sarafan Lord, Kain watches this whole spectacle in disbelief. Looking across to where his army once stood, he spots 1st Vampire and 2nd Vampire (from the previous chapter) standing on the edge of the tank, peering in.

**1st Vampire:** Whoa. Good thing we both had to tie our bootlaces at the same time.

**2nd Vampire: **You said it, sister.

**Kain: **Hey! You two! Attack!

**2nd Vampire: **Are you kidding? We're out of here!

**1st Vampire **(to 2nd Vampire)**: **Hey, I hear they're hiring extras for _Angel_.

**2nd Vampire: **Cool.

The two of them walk off.

**Kain: **That's the last time I hire soldiers recommended by Vorador. (to Sarafan Lord) Though my army is destroyed, with this mighty blade I shall…

Kain's speech is interrupted by the Sarafan Lord brutally slamming his knee into his groin. Kain lets out a small squeak and falls to the ground, dropping the Soul Reaver as he does so.

**Kain **(high pitched)**: **Wha…! What about that incredibly dramatic sword fight we were to have?

**Sarafan Lord: **Oh please! I have a play to perform in half an hour. Do you really think I have time to take part in a fight I'm going to win anyway? Now shut up and die screaming.

**Kain: **"Shut up and die screaming"? What the hell is that supposed to…

The Sarafan Lord kicks Kain off the ledge.

**Kain: **…MEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!

The Sarafan Lord picks up the Soul Reaver and appraises it.

**Sarafan Lord: **Hmm.This will go smashingly with the Picasso in the living room.

**Raziel **(in the Soul Reaver)**: **Picasso? I'm more of a Van Gogh man myself…

End REAL Flashback.

**Kain: **…

**Umah: **Don't take this personally, but that was by far the most humiliating chapter in vampire history.

**Kain:** Thanks. Rip my ego to shreds why don't ya?

**Umah **(quietly)**: **It would take a couple of millennia to rip something that large to shreds…

**Kain: **Beg your pardon?

**Umah: **Just humming a tune I heard as a fledgling. 

Umah walks to a balcony over looking the slums. Kain follows her.

**Umah: **Behold the changes wrought during your absence. Humans walk freely on the streets without a trace of fear. It's always a nice, clear day, even during the winter. Worst of all, the only ice cream flavor available is garlic.

**Kain **(repulsed)**: **The horror…

**Umah: **Amen, brother. Under the Sarafan Lord, the Sarafan Warrior Priests have flourished, their dominance over Meridian total. He's managed to rebuild them from the havoc wrought by that weird blue guy with the tea towel on his head, and he's gunning for all vampires in Nosgoth.

**Kain: **Is he now? Well, fear not! Just direct me to his fortress and I shall bring you back his head within the hour.

**Umah: **Did some of your brain cells commit suicide during your nap? While you've laid there gathering dust, the Sarafan Lord has grown more and more powerful with each passing year, to the point where he could defeat an army of vampires single-handedly without breaking a sweat. How do you think you, who couldn't beat a much weaker version of the Sarafan Lord, would fare against him in your current state?

Kain thinks about this for a moment.

**Kain: **Very well. Make it two hours.

Umah stares at Kain for a moment before putting her face in her hands. After a few seconds she looks up at Kain.

**Umah: **I had hoped I wouldn't have to resort to this, but I see that a demonstration is in order.

Umah slaps Kain across the face.

**Kain **(outraged)**: **H-HOW DARE…

Umah gut punches Kain. He doubles over.

**Umah: **Keep in mind I'm using human level speed and strength for this demo.

**Kain: **You'll pay for…

Umah uppercuts Kain, causing him to stagger.

**Kain: **O-okay. I get the idea now. I…

Umah knees Kain in the groin. He goes down.

**Kain **(whiny)**: **Stop it! I said I get the idea now!

**Umah: **Look, I've already seen the script. This is about the only time I'll get to kick ass on screen, so how about letting me enjoy it, okay?

Umah pokes Kain in the eyes.

**Umah: **NYUK NYUK NYUK!

*****

Two hours later…

**Umah: **Without proper preparation, your chances of survival against the Sarafan Lord are comparable to that of a rack of lamb at a Weight Watchers meeting.

**Kain: **What do you suggest?

**Umah: **The secret vampire resistance group I am a member of, the Cabal, is willing to help you destroy the Sarafan Lord. But before I lead you to our secret headquarters, I believe we should take a tour of the city and perhaps get a…bite to eat?

**Kain: **Though I deplore clever word games in all forms, that is an idea I can agree with. Let's go!

**Umah: **Excellent. But first…

Umah walks over to a TV set and turns it on. As she sits down, Kain gives her a curious look.

**Kain: **What are you doing?

**Umah: **I never miss a televised screening of 'Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring'. Now shush! This is the part where Gimli, the Baptist preacher who moonlights as a stripper suffering from a severe case of frostbite, and Legolas the barber from Haiti challenge Boromir, the pirate accountant who's only three weeks from retirement, to a game of Strip Dance Dance Revolution. They say you can practically feel the anguish.

Kain gapes at Umah for a moment.

**Kain: **…Splendid. Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I'll go bludgeon myself unconscious.

To be continued…


	5. Slummin' it, Part Two: Faster, Vampire C...

Chapter 5: Slummin' it, Part Two: Faster, Vampire Cat! Kill! Kill!

We see Kain and Umah walk into the street. Umah looks satisfied, while Kain looks confused.

**Kain: **I know my memory isn't what it was, but I'm pretty sure Samwise didn't summon Doomtrain and Yojimbo, destroy half of Middle-Earth and elope with a half bunny/half gerbil Frodo at the end of the original "Fellowship of the Ring".

**Umah: **That's all part of the re-invention of that great title. Isn't it super?

**Kain: **Uhh…not really. Surely you found all of the references to Coca-Cola to be both crass and irritating?

**Umah: **Oh, definitely. That's the one thing I didn't like about it.

**Kain: **I'm glad you and I are above such commercialism.

**Umah: **Indeed.

Kain and Umah nod at each other. They both whip out a can of Pepsi and drink them, before shoving the cans in front of the camera and winking.

**Kain/Umah: **Mmm! It's Pepsi-riffic!

Just then Dumah ran past them, still screaming.

**Dumah: **Time! Back in time I say!

With that out of the way, Kain walks off as Umah starts to speak to him through the Whisper.

**Umah: **Kain? Do not be frightened.

**Kain **(frightened)**: **AIIEEEEEEEE!

Kain runs off at a speed Sonic the Hedgehog would've been jealous of.

**Umah: **I said not be frightened! NOT! Get back here!

Umah chases after Kain. After a few minutes of searching the slums she finds him surrounded by a group of Sarafan guards. The guards have formed a tight circle around Kain.

**Sarafan 1: **Cor blimey, guv! Looks we got us a master vampire 'ere!

**Sarafan 2: **We'll 'ave 'is guts for garters, we will!

**Kain: **What the hell are you going on about? Have I ended up in Cockney Land or something?

**Sarafan 3: **Shut your gob, ya poof! We'll 'ave you! 

**Sarafan 4: **Yeah! Cause we're well 'ard, we are!

**Kain: **Right, that's it!

Kain leaps into the air, his legs wrapping comically around each other before he freezes in mid-air, the camera panning dramatically around him. Umah watches with rapt attention for a few minutes, then realizes that nothing was likely to happen for a while and walked off to get a baguette and a coffee.

Three hours later… 

We see Umah thumbing through the latest issue of _Skinning Sarafan Alive Monthly _when Kain finally unfreezes and whacks all but Sarafan 2 with his legs spinning like propellers. Landing, Kain faces off with the survivor.

**Kain: **So, a lone survivor! A problem easily remedied by…THE HUNDRED THOUSAND WIND PALM NIPPLE TWEAK EYE POKE WET CAT ELEPHANT ARSE KICK!!!!

**Sarafan 2: **Eh?

We Kain's limbs move at incredible speeds as they strike the luckless Sarafan's body, the ex-owner of the Soul Reaver yodeling all the while. Having finished the combo, Kain poses dramatically, the Japanese translation of the combo's name appearing below him (with a helpful English translation below that) as Mysterious Announcer Man pipes up.

**Mysterious Announcer Man: **THE HUNDRED THOUSAND WIND PALM NIPPLE TWEAK EYE POKE WET CAT ELEPHANT ARSE KICK!!!!

**Sarafan 2: **Cor…blimey…GUUUUUUUUUUV!

Sarafan 2 implodes as Umah walks over to Kain.

**Umah: **Wow. That was…

**Kain: **Impressive? Astounding? Unbearably macho?

**Umah: **I was going to say "seriously screwed up", but whatever.

*****

A few hours later, in the sewers…

**Umah: **Okay then, just one more kick aaannnndddd…we're done!

**Kain: **I still fail to see how Morris Dancing moves will help me in my quest.

**Umah: **Trust me, there'll come a time when you'll be glad you have those skills. Now, for your final lesson, I want you to travel to the nearest cemetery and kill everyone above ground. And a few below ground if you have the time.

**Kain: **Uh-huh. Any particular reason why?

**Umah: **Not really. Just thought it'd be a laugh.

**Kain: **Fair enough. It's a better reason than the one you gave for the geisha girl training.

Umah teleports away as Kain heads toward the tunnel which will eventually lead him to the cemetery. One swift rampage later, Kain and Umah meet at an arch leading to a bridge which in turn presumably leads to Sanctuary, the home of the Cabal.

**Umah: **Behold the arch which leads to a bridge which in turn leads to Sanctuary, the home of the Cabal.

**Kain: **So it's a simple matter of crossing under this arch to reach Sanctuary?

**Umah: **Yep! Nothing can stop us now!

Umah and Kain run forward, but alas! Yon chalk skinned fool dost see a penny lying in front of him. He stoops to pick it up as Umah just barely make it through before the Glyph gate activates.

**Kain: **What the hell is that?

**Umah: **Hmm? Oh, that's a Glyph gate. It prevents vampires from crossing certain thresholds.

**Kain: **Why didn't you mention it before?

**Umah **(to herself)**:** I knew there was something I forgot to do today…

**Sarafan Guard: **Uh, hello? I thought we were going to fight here?

**Umah **(snorts derisively)**: **You? Please! Behold as I snort derisively at your chances!

**Sarafan Guard: **Normally I would be snorting right alongside you, but today…

The guard presses a button on his arm. Focus on Umah as the guard's shadow changes shape and grows much, much taller and bulkier. Umah's smile flips upside down as we see that the guard has turned into a fifteen foot, insanely muscular Uber-Sarafan.

**Uber-Sarafan: **Yeah! Armor upgrades kick ass!

**Umah: **Uh, Kain? There's a contact you can use to reach Sanctuary by other means. Now if you'll excuse me…

Umah runs away screaming, the Uber-Sarafan in hot pursuit. Kain watches until they disappear from sight, then proceeds to take a tour of Meridian, slaughtering whatever happened to pass within twenty feet of him. Eventually he comes across a very scary looking peasant.

**Kain:** Hello there, poverty stricken scum who smells strongly of cat pee! I was sent to meet you!

**Peasant: **Is that so? (thinking) Hmm, this Johnny might just be Kain. Best use the secret question to make sure. (out loud) Around which being does the universe revolve around?

**Kain: **Foolish individual whose face contestants at the World's Ugliest Man would find revolting! It revolves around me!

**Peasant **(thinking)**: **It's him all right. (out loud) Well then, you'll want me to point you towards Sanctuary.

**Kain: **Indeed I do, man whose walk reminds me of a birth defected goat suffering from Parkinson's. But tell me, why does one such as you want to help one such as I?

**Peasant: **Oh, it's not just me sir. There's a whole bunch of us who hate the Sarafan. Why they do isn't right, isn't natural! Not like eternal walking corpses drinking the blood of the living, no sir! 

**Kain: **Uh-huh. Tell me, creature whose stench could stun a warthog at fifty paces, how can I get to Sanctuary?

**Peasant: **Simple. You just need to traverse the Smuggler's Den, which is just through this handy dandy door.

The peasant reveals the entrance to the Smuggler's Den.

**Kain: **Many thanks, peasant whose womanly lilt frightens and confuses me.

As Kain descend into the Smuggler's Den, he is stopped by the peasant's voice. 

**Peasant: **By the way, you will tell Umah that I helped you, won't you? She promised to give me the Dark Gift if I did.

**Kain: **Fear not, guy whose intelligence could by matched by a demented sea trout. I get the feeling you'll be getting precisely what's coming to you. Heh heh heh. Ha HA HA! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!

Kain leaves, still laughing. The peasant turns away from the entrance smiling.

**Peasant: **Ah, his doom laden, ominous laughter fills me with hope. Now to go home and…

**Faustus: **THEHUNDRED THOUSAND WIND PALM NIPPLE TWEAK EYE POKE WET CAT ELEPHANT ARSE KICK!!!!

**Peasant: **ACK!

To be continued…  


	6. Vampire Smackdown!

Chapter 6: Vampire Smackdown!

Moebius' Chronoplast Chamber, Nosgoth. The time period? Who knows?

We see Raziel materialize in the middle of the chamber, wearing magenta bell bottoms, a Hawaiian shirt, a huge afro, a pair of star shaped glasses and a peace symbol medallion. Looking around, he spots Moebius with his back turned to him at the far end of the room.

**Raziel: **MOEBIUS!

Moebius turns around to reveal that he is wearing a Fake French Moustache.

**Moebius Wearing A Fake French Moustache: **'Allo?

**Raziel: **You absolute bastard! How dare you send me to the 70s! Do you have any idea how difficult it was to stay alive, stay alive? (starts to sing and dance) Ah ah ah ah, stay aliiiiiiiiiive…! (snaps out of it) Gah! See what's it done to me?

**Moebius Wearing A Fake French Moustache: **Mon ami, I think you are mistaken, no? I am not…

**Raziel: **DIE!

Raziel leaps at Moebius With A Fake French Moustache. Focus on the exit/entrance of the Chronoplast Chamber as various crunching, squishy noises, accompanied by screams and flying blood, emanate from the carnage. As it continues we see Moebius enter the chamber, drinking a Slurpee and reading a Manga.

**Moebius: **Oh Mink, will you ever get to date Dick Saucer? 

Moebius looks up and sees Raziel standing over the remains of Moebius Wearing A Fake French Moustache. His gasp of horror catches the former vampire's attention, causing Raz's eyes to bulge in confusion. Ignoring Raziel, Moebius runs to Moebius Wearing A Fake French Moustache and cradles his broken body.

**Moebius: **Oh, Moebius Wearing A Fake French Moustache! My long lost identical twin brother from France who I was just starting to like! Why, god, why?!?

Raziel gapes (or he would if he had a jaw) at the scene in front of him. Suddenly, his mind audibly snaps, the pressure it had been under finally proving to be too much to bear. Laughing manically, he grabs the Time Streaming Device's controls, randomly twists it and disappears. Barely a second later he reappears in a endless field of white, the only other inhabitants being four bizarrely dressed young people and a strangely shaped blob of flesh. One of the people, a youth wearing a droopyish hat and an orange eyepiece and sporting razor sharp teeth, is giving a presentation to the others.

**Parano: **…and that's how, with a few minor alterations, four humans can become one very comfy beanbag chair.

Parano points to the blob of flesh behind him.

**Ash: **That's all well and good, but what about the groaning?

Low groans of pain can be heard from the human beanbag chair.

**Parano: **Simple. Just use the remote provided to crank it up.

Parano uses his remote on the chair. The groans increase to a very loud level as Parano, Ash and Nitro sigh in pleasure and Spider pumps the volume up on his Discman.

**Nitro: **Excellent work, Parano. Excellent and depraved work.

**Parano **(bashful)**: **Well, I try.

Raziel stares at the four (or are there?) Galerians before bursting into laughter.

**Raziel: **HEE HEE HEE! First two Moebiuses, and now a crossover! I hate my unlife! HEE HEE HEE! 

The Galerians turn around and see the only creature who might be more deranged than they are. Parano lets out a yelp of joy and whips out his knives as his groovy theme music starts to play. 

**Parano: **YAHOO! A new person for me to implant devices in his eyes! 

**Spider: **Huh? How can a somewhat flesh and blood creature exist in the data world?

**Nitro: **Are you trying to find sense in what has now become a Legacy of Kain/Galerians crossover?

**Spider: **Sorry.

**Raziel **(leaping at the four (OR ARE THERE?) Galerians)**: **DIE!

**Galerians: **WHOA!

*****

We now return you to Kain and your regularly scheduled story.

*****

Kain emerges in the area known as the Smuggler's Den as Umah contacts him via the Whisper.

**Umah: **Kain.

**Kain: **Umah! You escaped the Uber-Sarafan?

**Umah: **Yep. It was a good thing he ran into the path of those stampeding gophers, otherwise I might've been in trouble.

**Kain: **Indeed. What can you tell me of the Smuggler's Den?

We see a quick montage of the people of the Smuggler's Den getting mugged, eating rotten scraps of food, having sex in an alley and in some cases getting mugged while having sex in an alley and eating rotten scraps of food.

**Umah: **Not much, besides the fact that it's more offensive a Tom Green movie. You'd best be wary of thieves, murderers and…how best to put this?…'ladies of the night'.

**Kain: **'Ladies of the night'? You mean other female vampires?

**Umah: **What? No, I mean 'ladies of pleasure'.

**Kain: **Ah, so they enjoy a good game of Gin Rummy!

**Umah: **For the love of…! They're hookers! BLOODY HOOKERS!

**Kain: **…You mean they play for the Meridian Rugby team?

**Umah: **Good god, man! Have you no knowledge of street slang?

**Kain: **Not really. To be honest with you, the English language in general has always be a mountain of confusion to me. It took me twelve years to realize that spotted dick wasn't a form of genital disease.

**Umah: **…And on that mind-scarring note I think I'll leave you to navigate the Smuggler's Den. Have fun!

Umah breaks her connection with Kain. Our hero proceeds to run around the area for a bit before being confronted by one of the ladies of pleasure Umah mentioned.

**Lady of Pleasure: **Well hello there, tall, pale and strange looking. Looking for a good time?  

**Kain: **I'm afraid not, milady, for I have to save my race from extinction while simultaneously defeating a fascist organization posing as heroes.

**Lady of Pleasure: **Hmmm. That's the best excuse I've heard for some time.

**Kain: **What're you implying?

**Lady of Pleasure: **I'm just saying there's no need to come up with fanciful excuses if you're somewhat…lacking in certain areas.

**Kain: **Lacking?!? Madam, let me put it like this. When I was attending Coorhagen University, my campus nickname was 'Tripod'.

**Lady of Pleasure: **Uh-huh. And Kylie Minogue's revival is completely down to her 'singing talents'.

**Kain: **Why you…!

Kain lunges at the Lady of Pleasure. Unfortunately for him, this particular Lady of Pleasure was in fact an undercover agent for the Sarafan Vice Squad and his violent movement brought fifty Sarafan soldiers out into the open. Kain takes stock of the number of opponents, does a quick bit of mental arithmetic, and then proceeds to run like the wind away from the angry humans armed with sharp bits of metal. He manages to hide out in a tavern run by Nosgoth's Slowest Barman (a hotly contested title) and kill a few bar patrons before being approached by a peasant who bears a startling resemblance to the one from Chapter 5.

**Peasant 2.0: **Excuse me, sir. May I have a moment of your time?

**Kain: **Absolutely n…(sees Peasant 2.0) Wait a second, haven't we met before?

**Peasant 2.0: **No sir, we have not. You're referring to Peasant 1.0. I'm Peasant 2.0, the same character skin but with a different voice. 

**Kain: **Ah.

**Peasant 2.0: **Anyway, know that I am a friend of the Cabal's, one of many – many as in 2% of the total population of Meridian – in this city. You must seek out the Smuggler's Tunnel by navigating the church hideout of a gang of thieves trained in every martial art known to human and vampire kind as well the ability to kill a person 7,023 different ways with their little toe. Once you've succeeded in this task, you must then defeat the terrifying dragon/gerbil hybrid known as Drabil for the right to use the Holy Elevator. If you manage to survive the battle and enter the Elevator, you have sixty seconds to answer a fiendishly difficult riddle that has been translated poorly from Latin to English to Japanese to Swedish to Hebrew and back to English again. Failure to do so will result in an acid shower. God only knows what horrors you would face should you complete these trials.

**Kain **(yawning)**: **Is that all? This quest might just be easier than I earlier thought.

Just as Kain makes to leave the tavern, a thought belatedly reaches the miniscule brain of Nosgoth's Slowest Barman.

**Nosgoth's Slowest Barman: **AIIEE! A Vampire! Help!

Almost immediately a hundred Sarafan soldiers arrive outside the tavern's door. Annoyed, Kain kills Nosgoth's Slowest Barman, who remains standing because the fact that he's just been killed hasn't registered yet, and addresses Peasant 2.0.

**Kain: **Is there any other way out of here?

**Peasant 2.0: **Well, you could try a secret passage in one of the upstairs rooms, which should lead you away from here. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll just become inexplicably terrified of you all of a sudden.

**Kain: **Whatever.

**Peasant 2.0 **(running around in circles)**: ** EEK!

Kain escapes from the tavern and proceeds to the church. A few hours later he emerges in the Smuggler's Tunnel, somewhat singed, beaten and only barely holding onto his (somewhat meager) sanity.

**Kain: **T-though I…was a goner…when Drabil swallowed me…but, but I'm a FIGHTER! Yes! And…

Kain's rant is halted by a sign next to a staircase to his immediate left. The sign reads: "Quick and Easy Alternative to reaching the Smuggler's Den from the Smuggler's Tunnel. Also works the other way round." Kain gapes at the sign for a while before his mouth starts to form a lunatic's grin. Just as the last of the master vampire's sanity threatened to gurgle down the plughole of his mind, he spots Faustus in a heated argument with a Glyph Wright.

**Faustus: **…and you told me that my Glyph energy would be reconnected by Friday! FRIDAY!

**Glyph Wright: **Look, just because I'm a little later than I said I would be…

**Faustus: **You're six months late!

**Glyph Wright: **…doesn't mean you can follow me for the entire day screaming death threats in my ear. I'll have it reconnected by the end of the day.

**Faustus: **You damn well better. I'll not miss another thrilling episode of 'Enterprise' because of your ham-fisted tomfoolery!

Faustus leaves the corridor.

**Glyph Wright: **'Ham-fisted tomfoolery'?

The Glyph Wright vanishes. Kain exits through the door Faustus used and finds himself in a large circular room. As he approaches the center, the door locks behind him and Faustus jumps down.

**Faustus: **So, the rumors are true! Nosgoth's Champion Gurner has returned from the dead!

**Kain: **Faustus! So, you are one of the traitors to our race! I can hardly believe it! I mean, who would've though that a vampire could be treacherous! I'm stunned!

**Faustus: **And you expected different of me? After the taunts? After the humiliating 'Dance of the Sore Buttocks' initiation ritual? Why should I server under the bane of my unlife when I can serve the Sarafan Lord? He who has given me power, protection and a rather spiffy glow in the dark Mickey Mouse watch.

Faustus shows off his watch with pride.

**Kain: **Mickey Mouse? Dude, everyone knows Darkwing Duck's the only character watch to have.

Kain shows off his own watch.

**Faustus: **It matters not! Kain, know that I am not the semi-adequate warrior you once knew! Through rigorous training and study, I have created a fighting technique that combines elements of every other existing martial art. Using this technique, which I call The Guppy's Fin, there is not an opponent in Nosgoth I cannot defeat!

**Kain: **Wow! Now that'simpressive!

**Faustus: **Really?

**Kain: **Hell no.

Kain whips out a comedy sized hammer and bats Faustus though a giant wall fan and into the next chamber. Following, Kain finds Faustus preparing to lob a bomb.

**Faustus: **HA HA HA! Time to die, Kain! This is for the hazing! And the insults! And for giving away the ending to 'The Sixth Sense'!

As Faustus rants on, Kain notices that the bomb's fuse is almost at its end.

**Kain: **Don't forget the Wrong Trousers fiasco.

**Faustus: **YES! YES! ESPECIALLY the Wrong Trousers fiasco! And let's not forget…

KABOOOOOOOOOM!

Kain covers his face as various bits of Faustus rain down. Looking at the spot where his former lieutenant once stood, Kain spots Faustus' soul hovering in midair. Acting quickly, Kain absorbed the soul before the Underworld could claim it and causing the Elder God to issue forth an unprintable sentence. Kain mulls over his new Dark Gift.

**Kain: **Let's see, Faustus' main strength was the ability to leap over distances the rest of us would balk at. It would seem logical that this ability would improve over two centuries. Still, perhaps a test is in order.

Kain looks around the chamber, looking for something to jump onto. He settles on a beam a good few feet off the ground. Kain squats in preparation for the jump.

**Kain: **Up, up and…

Kain shoots up into the air, missing the beam.

**Kain:** …AWAAAAAAAAAY!

Kain continues to rise at a steadily faster pace. Cut to a shot of the planet as seen from space as Kain escapes its gravity and goes careening off into deep space. His mouth is open in a silent scream, because of course, in space no-one can hear…well, you know…

Meanwhile, in another region of time and space, we see a close-up of Raziel's face, his eyes alight with lunatic glee. Suddenly his mind audibly snaps back to a healthy state. He blinks in confusion.

**Raziel:** Ugh…what happened? Where…

Raziel sees that he strapped to a metal surgical table with Parano and Ash hovering over him. Seeing that the Soul Reaver is awake, Parano leans in close and gives Raz a toothy smile.

**Parano:** Now I'm really going to screw around with your pulpy brain!

Ash whacks Parano upside the head.

**Parano:** Ow! What was that for?

**Ash:** What have I told you about stealing lines from the Venom comic book?

**Parano:** Aw, but…

**Ash:** No buts! I don't care if you're the embodiment of my psychotic need to hurt things, but I will not stand for unoriginal dialogue from any of my multiple personalities!

**Parano:** Then you'd better have a word with Nitro. Last I heard, she was lifting sentences wholesale from Avril Lavigne.

**Ash:** What? The fiend! Ash, AWAY!

Ash disappears.

**Parano:** I thought he'd never leave.

**Raziel:** Villain! Torture me all you like, but I shall never yield to one so badly dentured as you!

**Parano:** Torture? Who said anything about torture?

Parano presses a button on a console. A multitude of very sharp and pointy medical instruments appear and aim themselves at Raziel.

**Parano:** You, my friend, will be…REBORN!

**Raziel:** Oh lord, not again…

To be continued…    

 

       


	7. Kain in SPAAAAAAAACE!

Chapter 7: Kain in SPAAAAAAAACE!

Three weeks later… 

We Umah walking the streets of Meridian, a Blood Slurpee in one hand and a mini TV in the other. Meridian's primary news program, Meridian at Ten, is on.

Voice: This is Meridian at Ten. These are the headlines.

The sound of a person being guillotined is heard. SLICE!

Voice: Price of zucchini goes up a penny, Sarafan Lord blames vampires.

SLICE!

Voice: Malek voted Sexiest Sarafan of All Time, Rahab supporters demand a recount.

SLICE!

Voice: Fanfiction writer takes ages to update, angry fans beat him with stale muffins.

The Meridian at Ten theme music flares up as we focus on the news desk, where sits a female Hylden in a rather unconvincing human disguise (paper mask with a face drawn in crayon, wig sitting at a 45 degree angle on her head, etc).

Voice: This is Meridian at Ten, with your newsreader, Hillary 'Hill' Den.

Hill: Good evening. Today the Sara – 

Hill stops as she is handed a sheet of paper.

Hill: This just in! It appears that the orbiting Sarafan Satellite™ has picked up a moving object with its camera. What you are about to see is merely seconds old!

The picture on the TV changes to a space shot courtesy of the Sarafan Satellite™. For a brief moment, nothing but stars can be seen. Suddenly we see Kain slowly float past, his mouth open in a silent scream. Umah spits out a mouthful of Blood Slurpee.

Hill (VO): Well, I think the pictures speak for themselves, yes? Ladies and gentlemen, here is conclusive proof that vampires are indeed alien soldiers from the planet Eidos, intent on stealing our recipe for Watermelon Soufflé! We must…what are you doing? 

Noises can be heard.

Hill(VO): No, I don't want the 'happy medicine'! It makes the Sexy Elves go away! NOOOOOOOOOO!

Umah switches the TV off and looks up at the sky ruefully.

Umah: 'Keep this vampire alive', he said. 'He holds the key to the salvation of all vampire kind', he said. Vorador, you twit…

Meanwhile, in space, Kain had finally grown tired of screaming and had switched to sulking. Let's face it, screaming silently just doesn't have the same allure, does it? As he sulks, he happens to catch something moving towards him from the corner of his eye. Turning around, he barely has time to start screaming silently again before being swallowed by a giant bug. A second later, the bug spits Kain out.

LEXX: Yuck.

The LEXX turns around and leaves for new frontiers as Kain hurtles like a bullet back towards the planet.

*****

Back in Meridian, we see Umah in conversation with Vorador via the Whisper.

Vorador (VO): Listen to me, child. Kain's methods may seem somewhat…unconventional, but trust me when I say that he can help us against the Sarafan.

Umah: Is that so? Tell me, how exactly will he help us? By melting the brains of our enemies via his conversational skills? Or perhaps, if we're truly lucky, he'll bolster our morale by regaling us with tales about how he slaughtered the Circle of Nine using only his wits, a bowl of pudding and a nude picture of Death of the Endless.

Vorador (VO): Is that what he told you? He told me that he did it using only his wits, a blueberry pie and the collected works of Simon Furman.

Kain chooses this moment to smash into the ground just a few meters from Umah. She barely notices.

Umah: Hmm? Sorry Vorador, I've got to go. Kain just arrived.

Breaking her Whisper connection, Umah walks over to the crater, reaches in and pulls a battered, singed and somewhat dazed Kain out.

Kain (confused): Rei? But, what about Asuka…?

Umah sighs, then proceeds to slap Kain across the face a few times. Once she stops, Kain looks at her with annoyance.

Kain: Thanks. Nothing quite like being bludgeoned in the head to bring a man back to his senses.

Umah: Oh, stop whining. Now listen, I'm not going to ask you where you've been all this time because I know the answer will have a detrimental effect on my sanity…

Kain: Wise girl.

Umah: …but I must stress that you hurry to Sanctuary. I will leave you to make your way there on your own while I depart to the Industrial Quarter for a new mission. Good luck.

Umah teleports away.

Kain: Why do people keep leaving me to find hidden fortresses on my own?

Sighing, Kain proceeds to explore the Lower City. After many pointless fights, he comes to a gate guarded by a man on the other side. Kain recoils as he sees that he looks exactly like Peasants 1 and 2.

Kain: Hello, man whose face I seem doomed to see for the rest of eternity. Please open the gate so that I may rip out your thro…er, I mean so that I may pass through peacefully. Yes.

Man: Very well, you seem like a decent, if somewhat pale, young man. But I need the password before I can let you through.

Kain: Password?

Man: Yes, password. This is a restricted area after all. Who do you work for?

Kain (with pride): I serve no man, woman or moogle.

Man: Well, then I can't let you through. Sorry.

We can actually hear Kain's pride deflating.

Kain: Oh. Well…thanks anyway, I guess.

Man: No problem.

Kain walks away dejectedly. After a few seconds he stops, a strange look on his face.

Kain: What the hell am I doing?

Kain walks back to the gate and proceeds to bend the bars to and extent that he cou8ld stoop through. The man looks shocked.

Man: Y-you're a-a-a vampire!

Kain: As many a Californian teen would say, 'well, DUH!'. 

Kain kills the man and proceeds on his way. After a brief skirmish with a Sarafan Glyph Guard and some Sarafan Knights, Kain happens across a town square littered with body parts. As he stares at the scene in mute horror, (there wasn't a napkin in sight and Kain was, if nothing else, a clean eater), some poor sucker who was nonchalantly walking through the carnage is killed by Sebastian. The two vampires lock eyes.

Sebastian: What poor soul has the misfortune of interrupting my feeding?

Kain: One who shares your thirst and your curse.

Sebastian: You mean you like Pepsi and was cursed by a mummy too?

Kain:…what? No, I mean I'm a vampire like you!

Sebastian (disappointed): Oh. Wait, that voice…is that you, Kain?

Kain: You know me?

Sebastian: Well, well, well…so, Nosgoth's King of Skinny Dipping walks the night again. How…well, how achingly predictable, really. 

Sebastian leaps up to a rooftop.

Kain: Hey, wait! Freeze!

Kain leaps up after him. A rooftop chase ensues for a few minutes.

Kain: Freeze means stop!

Eventually, Sebastian stops on a solitary rooftop, looking as if he hadn't just run a few miles. Kain, on the other hand, can barely catch his breath.

Sebastian: So Kain, what d'ya think? It was a good night's feeding, even better than the time I raided that Kentucky Fried Chicken that was hosting Nosgoth's Annual Obesity Night.

Kain: Y-you…wheeze!…are a sloppy…pant! pant!…b-butcher, vampire. You c-couldn't have…gasp!…made a b-bigger mess if you fed your victims through a wood chipper.

Sebastian: Oh, you're just jealous because I got to that group of humans first. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some Sarafan business to attend to.

Kain: You serve the Sarafan Lord then?

Sebastian (sarcastic): Yes, that's what most people would deduce when I say I have Sarafan business to attend to. Well done, Kain!

Sebastian leaves the scene. Kain, realizing that his quarry has escaped him, proceeds on his way to Sanctuary. As he enters the inner sanctum, he sees Vorador and a group of vampires ready to greet him.

Kain: Vorador! You're here, and so much more alive than most guillotine victims! I'm honored to finally meet the legendary 'Leader of the Cabal'!

Vorador: I need no false courtesies from you, Kain!

Male Vampire: Yeah! He gets enough of those from us!

Vorador sighs and casually backhands the Male Vampire without turning around. The M.V. hits the far wall hard.

Vorador: Anyway, you're welcome to Sanctuary. Please pay the requisite $10 entrance fee.

Kain pays the money, all the while grumbling about 'bloody extortion'. His hand is stamped so he can get in free the next time he visits.

Vorador: I shall get straight to the point. The Sarafan Lord's power grows daily, Kain. We must stop him soon or face complete extinction!

Kain: If this threat is so great, why do you not make more vampires? You've done it before.

Vorador: It takes…time and energy to create a vampire. I have not the strength.

Kain: Was that some form of impotence metaphor?

Vorador is stopped from throttling Kain by the appearance of a badly wounded vampire.

Vampire: Vorador! Umah has been taken prisoner!

Vorador: What? How?!?

Vampire: She was taken by a battalion of Glyph Guards as she searched the main building of the Industrial Quarter after she had Whispered to me that she had found something of great importance!

Vorador: Why did you not save her?

Vampire: Do I look like the Incredible Hulk to you?

Vorador: Good point. Rest easy, Gary…

We see Kain silently mouth 'Gary?' in disbelief.

Vorador: …for it is time for a more powerful individual to come into play.

Vorador looks pointedly at Kain, who sighs.

Kain: Oh, spiffy. (to Gary) Where is she being held?

Gary: I heard the guards say that she was being sent to the Sarafan Keep.

Vorador: That place is far too heavily guarded for you to enter through any means we know of, Kain. Seek out the bishop of Meridian. He should know of another route.

Kain: A bishop allies with us?

Vorador: The promise of immortality can be very persuasive to a bishop whose faith in an afterlife is waning. 

Kain: And that's all it took?

Vorador: Well, that and me threatening to feed him his own testicles if he didn't help us.

Kain: Ah. Well then, off I…

Kain is interrupted by a loud whining sound approaching from behind. Turning around, the vampires discovered the famed fanfiction writer Metal Gear Prime, a man with the chiseled body of an Olympian athlete, the face of an angel and the mind of a pathological liar. He appears to be somewhat bruised.  It turns out the whining is actually MG Prime singing, vogueing as he does so.

MG Prime (singing): _I like Waspy and Quickstrike, I'm crazy 'bout Megsy!_

                                  _I like Farscape and Red Dwarf, I'm crazy 'bout Holly!_

_                                  Willow and Tara and lots of yuri!_

_                                   These are a few of my favorite things!_

MG Prime looks up at the stunned gathering of vampires. Confused, he proceeds to look around Sanctuary.

MG Prime: Wait a second…this isn't Forbidden Planet!

Kain turns to Vorador.

Kain: He's doing self-insertion now.

Vorador: Indeed. You know the only humane thing we can do for him now?

Kain: Yep.

Kain and Vorador immediately grab a sword, followed by every other vampire, including Gary.

Kain/Vorador: Kill him!

MG Prime: Wowsers!

MG Prime vogues on out of there, followed by the angry, bloodthirsty vampires…

To be continued…          


	8. In which Marcus is royally smackeddown

Chapter 8: In which Marcus is royally smacked-down

A purple and gray steam train stops at the Upper City Train Station. As Kain (in his snappy new duds) exits the train, he hears a voice coming from it.

Astrotrain: Don't bother saying thanks or nothin'.

As Kain whirls around to face the train, it starts up, transforms into a space shuttle and blast off through the ceiling, sending debris everywhere. The vampire lord stares at the hole in the ceiling for a second or two before putting his face in his hands.

Kain (VO): My heart sank within me as I fell afoul of yet another crossover. Still, perhaps this was merely a final torment before I would be allowed to start my quest. Feeling somewhat better, I left the station, confident of never having to deal with another crossover again.

Kain leaves the station, stopping every few steps to share a greeting with the friendly locals.

Kanako Urashima: Greetings, stranger.

Kain: Uh…hello.

Vash the Stampede: Greetings, stranger.

Kain (depressed): Hello.

Excel Excel: HELLLOOOOOOOOOO STRAAAAAAAANGEEEEERRRR!

Kain: Mother of God…

Twenty minutes later…

Kain: So…so many crossovers! Still, at least the worst has passed…

Kain looks up to see a very tall man and two women, all dressed in holy gear and armed with a variety of swords and guns standing in front of him.

Yumie: Look! Yet another cursed vampire the Lord has sent to us for purification!

Alexander Anderson: Aye! And by thae looks o' it, this one has thae fattest head of them all!

Heinkel: Then vat are ve vaiting for? Let's annihilate him!

All three: FOR ISCARIOT!

Kain: Oh for…

Cut now to a tunnel covered with a large solid gate, behind which waits an impatient Marcus, who is talking with a Sarafan guard.

Marcus: And you're sure about this?

Guard: Very much so, my lord. Our spies saw him embroiled in mass crossover at the station not long ago.

Marcus: Well now, this is interesting news. Nosgoth's Premier Nude Model has come for the Bishop, has he?

Guard: Do you want me to call for extra soldiers from HQ, my lord?

Marcus: No need. Kain's chances of getting to the Bishop are much like the Four-Arsed Moose Eating Kitten of Willendorf.

Guard: Eh?

Marcus: Non-existent.

Guard: Ah.

Kain chooses this moment to appear, singed and sliced, running at full pelt toward the gate.

Kain: GANGWAY!

Marcus: Ah, Kain! So delightful to…

Marcus is interrupted as Kain runs straight through the gate, flattening Marcus and the Guard. A minute or two later, Anderson, Heinkel and Yumie run over the unfortunate duo as they continue their pursuit of Kain. A painful silence ensues.

Guard: I'm sensing an imminent cock-up, my lord.

Marcus: Oh, shut up. 

*****

It's a few hours later as a tired and blood-soaked Kain warily approaches the Bishop's Cathedral.

Kain (VO): The first part of my quest was at last within my grasp. Having endured unexplained resurrections, humiliating crossovers and an attempt on my life by a group of insane Catholics with comedy accents, I found myself mere steps from…

Anderson: Now where's that wee vampire gone off to?

Kain spots the Iscariot agents across the street. Seeing that they haven't spotted him yet, he bolts into the cathedral and comes face to face with the Bishop.

Kain: Greetings, old man! Do I have the pleasure of speaking with the Bishop of Meridian?

The Bishop walks toward Kain, his body movements jerky and exaggerated, much like a puppet (hint, hint).

Bishop: YES-YOU-DO.

Kain rolls his eyes in exasperation.

Kain: Get out here, Marcus.

A second of silence passed before a stunned Marcus appears via a side door.

Marcus: H-how did you know?

Kain: Oh, give me a little credit! Did you truly think I wouldn't remember the same parlor trick you pulled on countless humans during our purge all those years ago?

Marcus (angry): Parlor tricks?!? Does this look like a mere parlor trick to you? 

Marcus makes a few complicated finger gestures at the Bishop, who responds by leaping at Kain. Within moments Kain is lying, bruised and battered, on the ground while the Bishop twirls a candle stand like a bo.

Marcus: I primed the Bishop with a Bruce Lee program earlier today. Care to see his Mike Tyson program?

Kain: Hypnotizing elderly clergymen into believing themselves to be long dead martial artists and cannibalistic pugilists. Honestly, you're so predictable it's sad, Marcus.

Marcus: Predictable, eh? Care to step outside and say that?

Kain: You're on, Chumpy McChump.

Kain painfully gets to his feet to the sound of numerous cracking bones as Marcus exits the cathedral.

Marcus: Ah, yes. Long have I waited for…

Marcus stops as he sees Yumie, Heinkel and Anderson waiting outside for Kain, weapons at the ready. Seeing Marcus instead, they adopt the sort of grin normally seen on sharks.

Marcus: Um…

The cathedral doors swing closed and lock as the trio leap at Marcus. Safely inside, Kain listens to the chaos outside.

Marcus (VO): Aaah! Sweet Mother of God, not that! AAIIIEEE!

Kain: That'll learn 'im. Now for the Bishop.

Kain hobbles over to the Bishop, who has collapsed, unconscious.

Kain (VO): Having witnessed Marcus' mind control powers in the past, I knew that his victims could be left with permanent brain damage if roused incorrectly. Thus, I took the utmost care in nudging the Bishop to wakefulness.

Kain stares at the Bishop for a beat, then starts to savagely kick him in the ribs.

Kain (shouting): WAKE UP, YOU LAZY BASTARD!

Around the third kick, the Bishop stirs.

Bishop: Mmm…oh my. I just had the strangest dream. You were in it…and some strange male dominatrix…

Kain (impatient): Yes, yes, very good. My name is Kain.

Bishop: Ah yes, Nosgoth's Queen of the Summer Fair. You wish to gain access to the Sarafan Keep, yes?

Kain: Correct.

From outside comes a sound like a very blade making contact with a pair of testicles.

Marcus (VO): EEEEEYAAAAAAGH!

Kain: But before we go, there is something I must do.    

Kain walks to the door, spreads his arms out and waits. After a few seconds, Marcus' soul comes through the door and is absorbed by Kain.

Bishop: Ready?

Kain: Just a moment.

Kain turns and concentrates on the Bishop. The unfortunate man's eyes take on a glassy quality as his body goes limp.

Kain: Now, I command you to perform Meridian's National Dance!

Bishop: AS-YOU-COMMAND-MASTER.

The Bishop tucks his right arm into a circle and bend the left into an S shape, then begins to sing with Kain happily clapping in time to his words.

Bishop: I'm a little teapot short and stout, this is my handle…

To be continued, as soon as I clean off the rotten oranges and pulled out the spoons. Ow…

  ****


End file.
